Furthest thing

I am the furthest thing from perfect.  I cannot change what happened.  I cannot change my past; I cannot help but remember. I made you think I was only yours. I lied to you with the lie that I held for my own, and I’m sorry. I’m trying hard to become someone I will not regret in the future. And everyday my past is more and more agreeable.

“Peter, I’m sorry,” Don’t finish that sentence, I beg you

“I’m sorry that I have to leave. We both knew I couldn’t stay here. I have to join my parents in Fox.” Elizabeth knew she was hurting him, but she had to be honest. She had to do what she had to do. Peter would have plenty of time to realize that she was right without it hurting him too badly.

“I know, Liz. I had hoped you wouldn’t, though. That was foolish of me, I know.”

“Peter, hope isn’t foolish.”

“I know it’s not, but I knew better than to hope for this. I was hoping for something that I knew wasn’t right. I lied to myself.” Peter was surprising himself that he wasn’t crying. It was spectacular that he was not, because this wasn’t the end of the world, and he knew it.

“I hope you’ll write me, you know the carrier is my uncle, he’ll bring us our mail first if you ask him to.”

“I don’t think your mom will appreciate you pulling strings like that.”

“She can get over it, though. I’ll see you soon.”

I tried to say goodbye, but as our last embrace disintegrated my throat closed up and I couldn’t bare to even look at her. I missed her, and I had hardly even known her.


It may be more agreeable, and it may be less agreeable. Who’s to say? I am. That’s who. It is important to me to be someone who I can share a bed with. If I can’t forgive myself, I can’t sleep. If I can’t sleep my schedule falls through, my life falls through, and my love falls through. Love is important to me, because it is all that matters to me. The love that God has given to me and gives through me is all that keeps me.

I forgot when I fell asleep on the floor, but I woke up and now I will find my bed. That’s not something I want to do. That’s not someone I want to be. I felt something, and it was my fault. I listened to you speak and heard what I wanted; I didn’t hear the truth. I knew the truth, but I ignored it. I defended the truth from the outside, but I let the lie ache within me. The wound bleeds still. I’m sorry to myself. I want to repent to myself.  I want to tell myself that I am turning from my old way that is self-destructive. I am turning from the poison that is not caring about myself.

I flew away for a day or two, with little consequence at that. I kept my wits about me, and still accomplished what must be done. As my dad always said, “just do what you gotta do.” So I shall. But I did evade reality for a brief moment which is not something I recommend. It is a dangerous thing, and has taken me to dangerous places in the past. I spent some time in my mind and some time in mourning, for something I should not have had to mourn. Human weakness has made it’s eminent appearance once again.  My past though, as I have stated, is not something that I entertain when I consider my actions.  So in entertaining it, I have detracted from my happiness, and from my future.

That is something I definitely do not want to do. I do not want to leave my future to chance. I do not want to leave my happiness to chance. So what can I do? I’ll change my past. I will do whatever is in my power to add to my future and to my happiness. I will not let anyone tell me that I can’t control my future. I will not let anyone tell me that I cannot control myself. I can control myself. I will control myself. I will not apologize for being who my God has made me. I will always accept His will for me, and I will always praise Him.

I am done apologizing because I have forgiven me and God’s forgiven me.

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